In that time, a lot has happened:
- I have a new job. I get to call myself a 'director' and everything.
- I went to Amsterdam. Twice. And no, I didn't do that thing that everyone does in Amsterdam.
- I went on this waterslide:
I want to publicly state, for the record, that I think that you are absolute cunts.
Estate agents are, like many other businesses, third parties who muscle in on a pre-existing commercial relationship. It's not unique - recruitment companies do it, advertising companies do it, technology companies. Where there's money being made, why not carve out a chunk for yourself?
However, for such blatant leeching to be widely accepted by the pre-existing customer and client it is implied that the third party will add value to the relationship in some way: provide a unique and useful service, speed things along, add expertise where it's needed.
See, by doing that you justify your place in the middle of the pre-existing relationship. If you can justify your place in the middle of the relationship, then no one will hate you.
Did you notice, Foxton's, that nearly everyone you deal with ends up hating you? I knew this before I got involved with you, and like the fool I am I thought I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. I regret this.
Because, in the case of your business, Foxton's, the only added value that I can perceive is that, for one miserable afternoon whilst flat hunting, I got to ride in a garishly decorated Mini whilst some moron, fresh out of failing his degree and dropping out of the normal rules of meritocratic society, regaled me with pointless small talk.
Yes, that was as good as it got between you and I, Foxton's. And let's be honest. It wasn't good. I thought that guy was a bit of a twat.
Your staff are unhelpful. They are slow to respond. They have bad attitudes. They dress badly. They are obviously stupid. They sound disinterested when you talk to them. They say they'll get back to you and don't.
Your business overcharges for its “services” and then underdelivers. Your business does not treat its customers as human beings.
Your business will do nothing, literally nothing, above and beyond the bare minimum required to ensure the collection of its fee. That, right there, is a shitty business.
Your business, a third party leech remember, is so blatantly concerned with profit and profit alone that it has neglected to remember the all-important trade off required when leeches get involved in pre-existing commercial relationships in the first place.
That is the aforementioned: add value.
Add some fucking value.
Add some fucking value.
I challenge you, as a business, to live up to the desperate needs of the rental property market. Provide some much needed thought and care in your service. Provide a tonic to the bullshit landlord dominance of the rental situation. Provide an alternative to the epidemic overcharging for your services. Provide some training to your staff, who desperately need it.
Do this, and I will love you.
Please, stop being such a bunch of cunts.
It is uncanny, weird, and improbable, that I frequently open the communal toilet door at the exact same time that someone on the other side of the communal toilet door is opening it. This happens to me at least once a week, and usually more frequently.
To use the rules of probability to test the accuracy of my hypothesis
How many men on my floor use the communal toilets?
15 in my office
15 over the hall
20 on the other side of the floor
= 50 men
How many times a day does the average man urinate?
If we go with once every 3.5 hours then, in a working day an average man urinates:
8.5hrs / 3.5 = 2.4 times a day
How many times does an average man defecate in a working day?
This is a bit harder to estimate but let’s go with 1 defecation at work per day per man.
How many instances of toilet take place in the communal toilets in a working day?
Urination: 50 men x 2.4 times per working day = 120
Defecation: 50 men x 1 time per working day = 50
Total visits = 170
How many seconds are there in a working day?
8.5 hrs x 60 minutes = 510 minutes
510 minutes x 60 seconds = 30,600 seconds
So, in a given second, the probability of somebody being in the communal toilets is:
170 / 30,600
85 / 15,300
17 / 3,060
1 / 180
Which is 1 visit to the communal toilet every 3 minutes
If go to the toilet 3.4 times every working day then the probability of me being in the toilet in a given second is:
3.4 / 30,600
1 / 9000
Which is 1 visit to the communal toilet every 150 minutes.
The probability of me opening the communal toilet door in the same second that someone else opens the toilet door is:
(1 / 180) x (1/9000) = 1 / 1,620,000
/2 because it can happen either entering or leaving the communal toilet = 1 / 810,000
Once every 225 hours
Once every 5.29 working weeks
It is weird that it happens to me every week